As it unfolded today @ Stamford Bridge...
From Mohican haircuts to paws swinging sadly in the breeze, here’s a blow-by-blow account of the real Battle of the Bridge
T-minus 10 min: Terry – showcasing a new Mohican, a hairdo that sends out all the right sort of conciliatory signals– warms up. A picture of studied nonchalance, he stretches his hamstrings, flexes his pecs, and even at one point rubs his hands together. His fingers are thus loosened for the official Fifa Fair Play Handshakes™ – and can also easily be curled into the palm with a view to crumping the whole package in someone’s coupon if needs be.
T-minus 5 min: The theme tune to The Golden Girls booms over the PA. (“Thank you for being a friend / Travelled down the road and back again / Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.”) OK, no it doesn’t, they play stompalong ska classic The Liquidator as usual.
T-minus 4 min: The teams queue up in the tunnel. Terry assumes his duties as captain at the head of the Chelsea line-up, ostentatiously playing the big brother act with the mascots, one of whom becomes pretty miffed by having his hair ruffled with the sort of vigour normally only applied by someone knocking up a meringue.
T-minus 3 min: The teams trot out. Bridge is at the back of the City line. Is he shying away from confrontation, standing as far away from Terry as possible, every inch the “bottler”? Is he timing his entrance for maximum effect, keeping ‘em waiting, showbiz to his very core? Or can he simply not be bothered with this whole charade?
T-minus 1 min: It’s time for Sepp’s Special Shake®! The teams line up side by side, then City’s players amble down the line as Chelsea greet their visitors. There’s a whole load of shakin’ goin’ on. Thank you, my Fifa!
Farce o’Clock: Bridge finally reaches Terry, who offers his hand. With the sort of exquisite timing not seen from a Manchester-based comic since the death of Bernard Manning, Bridge stops for a nanosecond, wonders whether to take the proffered mitt, looks Terry up and down dismissively, and decides not to bother, sauntering off and getting on with life. Not for the last time in the day, Terry fails to react, his paw swinging sadly in the breeze.
1 min 22 sec: Some football! Bridge takes possession for the first time, to a eardrum-blistering cacophony of boos.!
8 min: Bridge takes possession for the second time. The boos have quietened considerably. Is everyone bored already?
11 min: Yes. Bridge takes possession for a third time. One man lets out a strangulated boo, before snapping his gaping maw shut in embarrassment.
42 min: Bridge is caught miles upfield as Cole and Lampard combine to put Chelsea ahead. A small smile plays across JT’s lips.
45 min: Bridge launches a long ball upfield. Under it, Terry proves it’s not only his moral compass that’s out of kilter, Tevez racing past the spinning Chelsea captain to score. You can almost hear Bridge’s grin.
48 min: Terry is booked for a mindless hack. “Same old Terry, always cheating,” sing the City faithful. This is satire!
77 min: Bridge is applauded by some Chelsea fans as he’s subbed. Everyone’s tired now.
90 min: Terry ends the match arguing with the referee. Oh John! Remember your conciliatory hairdo!
